I spent yesterday as the day before: alternating between the pool and the beach, applying sunscreen before leaving the condo, after swimming, and any time I'm starting to look pink, which is to say frequently.  As it turns out, the faint green glow that my face gets after 13 hours working in front of a CRT doesn't quite prepare me for a couple of hours in the sun. 
It’s a bit of a family tradition to all meet up in Hawaii every 3 or 4 years, and I get more sensitive to the sun EACH TIME.  While my chosen profession may have something to do with my problem, I must say that I got completely screwed on the skin pigmentation genes.  Of the 5 European ethnicities that comprise me, I'm stuck with the coloring of the ones furthest from the equator.

My dad, on the other hand, will just BAKE in the sun for hours on end with nary a peel.  Fueled by my legitimate concern and perhaps a certain amount of jealousy, I’ve taken to nagging him to apply sunscreen.  It got me to thinking: given that sunscreen wasn’t even commercially available until several years after WWII, and that the damaging effects of the sun haven’t been a topic for discussion until the last decade or two, much of the Baby Boomer and pre-Baby Boomer generation will never “get” sunscreen.  While my generation has always been armed with the knowledge of the dangerous burning fireball in the sky (though we still sometime ignore it), our parents will never ever make a habit out of applying sunscreen (this is especially true of men, who generally do not learn anything after the age of 30).

It got me to thinking: what will be my generation’s sunscreen?  What is the one activity that scientists will discover is patently dangerous during the next 20 years that I’ll continue to ignore?  Talking on a cell phone?  Eating Real Beef?  Staring at the moon?  Elastic Wastebands?

Ack.  Layoffs today.

Based on my estimates, this is the 7th layoff that I have witnessed or been a part of, and the 6th in which I've kept my job.  Companies will always handle layoffs slightly differently.  Because of my experience in this topic, I've listed some handy techniques techniques for getting rid of groups of unneeded employees:

1. Magical disappearing ex-employees:  (This happened at my first layoff, so at the time I didn't quite realize how f'ed up this is.)  For this one, place a manager at each employee entrance in the morning, sending people who are "in" to one location, and people who are "out" to another location.  People who are "in" are detained until all of the "out" people can quickly collect their things and leave (and are never heard from again).

2. Loose-lips layoff:  Intentionally leak details of the layoff to a non-loyal manager or other employee.  Wait a week.  The theory is that by the time the actual layoff happens, everyone already knows about it, making the whole process much easier for both sides.

3. Paranoid Pete:  If you're afraid that you have an employee that could go postal upon hearing the news of his demise, you'll want to hire some GOONS to patrol the office on the D-day.  The GOONS are plain-clothed private security guards that you're not supposed to notice but that look about as natural in a high-tech office as one of Burt Reynolds' toupees.  Yeah, its really hard to spot a couple of random grey-haired oafs walking around in Haggar slacks and Cosby-esque sweaters.  Bonus points if the VP shows up with a prominant can of mace or other defense weapon in his front pocket.

Rally Time

Regardless of how the layoff is performed, one thing must always follow: the tempered words of compassion and encouragement from the CEO to the surviving employees.  Here's an abridged version of the speech I have now heard 7 times (potential lies are in red):

"Well, folks, today is a really tough day.  We lost a lot of friends today.  There were no easy decisions -- everyone who we had to let go was a valuable contributor.  But the market conditions and our sales numbers cannot justify our existing headcount.  It was a difficult decision, but we wanted to make this adjustment now, before we get further down the wrong path.  We also wanted to cut deeper than we had to so that we don't have to do this again any time soon.  Our board is behind this decision 100%, but this was our decision, not the board's.  We still have plenty of cash, and our sales pipeline is looking good for the next quarter. I need each of you to continue to be committed to making this company something great. There is no company without you."

Advice:

If you are ever laid off, try to not take it personally.  You were probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  You were most likely providing a more tangible benifit to the company than the person on the other side of the desk giving you your walking papers.  The company is screwed anyway.  If you survive the layoff, go home.  Work on your resume.  Find another job.  The company is probably more screwed than it was before the layoff, so things can only get worse.

You may even want to try something completely different.  (If you have what it takes, I hear the private security industry is booming!)

Peace,
Ceeze